It's been awhile... A looong while!

Wow!  It's been over four months since my last post.

So much has happened...

You know those experiences where something happens or somebody says something that is monumental to you, and at that moment you decide you are going to change.  Like when a little kid walks by and says "that girl is fat" or when you wait an hour in line for a rollercoaster only to realize that you just can't quite stuff yourself into the seat.  Well yeah- I've had both of those experiences and many many more, and each and every time I tell myself that I have to change- I just can't handle the embarrassment anymore.  Recently it seems these experiences have been happening to me more than usual, which has really stunk :/  A few months ago I was flying home from visiting my cousin in Arizona.  I have begun not wearing my seatbelt on the airplane, because either it doesn't fit, or I spend 10 minutes jabbing the guy next to me while I try to jam it on.  Well, the no seatbelt solution was working well until the flight attendant came up to me and specifically asked if I was wearing my seatbelt... Fearing humiliation, I told her yes and continued doing what I was doing.  About 5 minutes later, she came up to me again and said "miss, I'm going to need to see that you are wearing your seatbelt before we take off."  I felt my face turn beat red, when I ashamedly had to admit that I was not wearing one.  She told me that I was going to have to find a different seat, because they do not allow seatbelt extensions in the exit row... right there in the aisle in the middle of the plane she said that... I was horrified, embarrassed, ticked off, you name it... I just looked at her, sucked in as hard as I could, and jammed the seatbelt shut- it took a few tries, but I managed, and she walked away.  At that moment I decided that I needed to change... but somehow hours later I managed to slip right back into my regular way of living.  More recently I went to a restaurant with my cousin.  The hostess seated us at a nice booth right near the front entrance.  It was a tight squeeze for me, but I am pretty used to it by now.  About 2 minutes later the hostess came back to the table and said that she was going to move us somewhere more comfortable... I knew exactly what she meant, but I told her no- that we were both fine and perfectly comfortable.  She basically argued with me back and forth saying that our waiter told her to move us to a different table, because I didn't seem comfortable in a booth.  I finally for some reason which I am still yet to realize, gave in and let her move us to a different table.  I should have just walked out... I didn't like the way the situation was handled at all, I was put on the spot and embarrassed in front of my cousin and the surrounding people in the restaurant.  Once again, I decided that THIS TIME I was going to change... for real this time, this was it!  Well, needless to say It didn't happen.  I just don't get it... how can a person endure these horrendous experiences and not be motivated enough to change.  The only thing I can think of is that they just drag you down so much that you don't even have the energy, willpower or motivation to truly change.  I don't know what it is.. it's just been a rough few months for me...

When these things happen I kind of just shut down, which is the main reason I haven't blogged in so long.  But I really need to change that.  I do so much better when I am writing down my feelings each day and reading all of your positive ideas and comments.  So that is my new goal- blog blog blog :)

I have missed all of you!  Tomorrow=read blogs & get up to date on how everyone is doing!

Well I'm off to bed.  I will talk to you all tomorrow :)